id="mod_1661947">The Truth
For four years, I lived the life as a military spouse. It wasn't easy, it was rarely fun, but it was always interesting. Recently, I watched a bit of the TV show, Army Wives, on the Lifetime network. I had heard of the show before, but had never watched it. I figured it would be some weepy show, full of inaccurate stories of what the life of a military spouse is really like.

To my surprise, it was somewhat accurate. My ex-husband was not in the Army, and I will just leave it at that, so I don't really know if the situation is all that different, but for the most part, it was fairly accurate. I was surprised. It is a drama, so there is a lot of good, a lot of bad, and a lot of the normal. But, of course, it's TV, so there is none of the mundane.

The truth is, there is a lot of the mundane, but that is the same with any life. Life is not all just an up and down crazy roller-coaster. There were a lot of ups and downs, scary moments, painful moments, and a lot of really happy times, but TV doesn't show you all that stuff that lies in between the ups and downs. It doesn't show the boredom, the day to day reality.

The Beginning
All good stories should start at the beginning, so that's where we will start. My life as a military wife started the day my husband left for bootcamp. I was pregnant with our first child, and I had a hard time saying goodbye. He headed to training camp, and we weren't even allowed to talk on the phone. Months of loneliness and dozens of letters. Other than two short phone calls on the day our daughter was born, the letters were the only communication we had. It was hard on both of us.

His schooling was only slightly better. I was basically a single mom for the time that he was at school. I got daily phone calls and still more letters. I updated him on how the baby was, and sent him pictures. I cut out a clipping of his picture in the paper and sent it to him. All the while, I kept telling myself that it will be better once we are together. I needed some hope that things would be better. For a while, it was.

A New Home
Stepping off the plane in a new city, in a very different part of the country, far from my family and friends was one of the hardest and most exciting things I had ever done. I had great hopes for starting our life fresh in a new place, with a new life.

Our apartment was small, but efficient; perfect military housing architecture, bland and boring, but it quickly became home. I tried to fill it with things that we both loved. I tried to make it more than what it was. I was the doting wife, who kept the house clean, took care of the baby, and helped out in any way I could to make his life easier. I was bored. I had no friends. I tried to keep busy, but far too often, I would find myself watching and waiting for him to come home. He would be tired and want to rest; I would be stir crazy and want to get out of the house. This quickly put a strain on our relationship.

I found a few friends in the wives of some of the people in his shop. They were a God-send! One lived in the same housing area that I did, and we spent some time together at first, but not a lot. They were both younger than me, and I had a child, while they did not. Being in the isolated housing area that we were in, made it hard to seek out friends whom I might have more in common with. I had a hard time, and turned to my friends and family back home for support.

The First Deployment
The first deployment came too quickly. We had only been at our duty station for four months! We had already spent so much time apart, and were finally together, and the dreaded first deployment was here. My friend who lived in the same housing area, let's call her Kelly. Her husband was deploying with mine. I had someone to turn to. We had each other. We quickly bonded and spent most of that deployment together.

Her mother came to visit, and she would watch my daughter, so Kelly and I could get some time out of the house together. We hit the town, and quickly realized a few things. First, we could have fun, even though we were sad about our husbands being gone. Second, alcohol flows freely in a military town. And third, single men in the military prey on wives of deployed members of the military. These men saw the rings on our fingers, saw something in us that said, "Our husbands are deployed!", and I guess, they figured we were fair game.

I can't count the times I had guys hitting on me, buying me drinks, or making moves on me after they found out my husband was deployed. I was shocked! I can even recall one time, a guy from my husband's own shop tried to kiss me! Someone both my husband and I knew! I look back at how naïve I was back then, and it almost makes me laugh. If I had known then, what I learned later, I would not have been so shocked.

Cheating in the military is more common than most people would realize. Even though it is a chargeable offense in the military, it is very, very common, and in most cases, people just look the other way. Unfortunately, Kelly was the first of us to realize this. Shortly following that first deployment, she discovered that her husband had been cheating. A pattern that would continue until they eventually split up.

My husband's first deployment lasted only a few months, and I was able to stay true to my vows, despite the numerous advances of numerous men. I was so happy to see him get off that bus! I could hardly stand it. I remember that day so well; all the nervous energy, the preperations, the primping, and the seemingly endless wait. It was one of the happier moments.

Clips of "Army Wives" on Lifetime
Modern Military Spouse: The Ultimate Military Life Guide for New Spouses and Significant Others Buy Now These are the images you usually see in regards to a military spouse The Long Stretch
There was a long stretch where he did not get deployed. It was over a year before he got deployed again. That time in between deployments was good and it was also bad. How bad, I would not know until much later.

We had a lot of fun, spending time with our friends, and having parties for one thing or another, hitting the bars when we could find a sitter, and just enjoying our lives. It wasn't always easy. There were last minute inspections, early mornings every day, and training exercises that would take him away for a couple weeks at a time, but it was tolerable. I was adjusting and making friends. I got a job at a child care center, and I loved it! I made even more friends through my time there. Things were actually going well.

Then more news. My husband was being sent out-of-state for some training exercise. It was him and a couple others. He said it would be fine, and he would be back in no time. It was only two weeks, after all. No different than other training exercises in the past, this one was just out-of-state, so he would not be able to come home at all, not even for an afternoon. Like most things, this came up at the last minute, and we had to rush around to prepare. I helped him get his gear ready, and gave him a big hug and kiss goodbye, and tried to explain to our daughter why daddy had to leave again. She was so young. It was hard for her.

This was not like every other training exercise. They were in a hotel instead of in the field, and he was able to go out to the bars at the end of the day, instead of hanging out in his tent, playing cards with the guys. He came home, and he seemed strange. I asked him about it, and he said that he was only tired. Days went by with him acting stranger and stranger, sitting on the computer all the time, looking at me weird. I knew something was up, but every attempt at getting anything out of him, only resulted in more of nothing.

I got nosey, hacked into his email, and there was all the answer I needed. Emails to and from a woman, with intimate details, and more than I ever wanted to see. As I said, cheating is a very common thing in the military, and I had never really believed he could do it. But, here it was in full color, ripping my heart out of my chest. I called him at the shop and screamed at him, hoping his CO would hear me. I wanted him to pay. I wanted him to hurt the way I hurt.

He promised me that this was the only time, that it would never happen again, and that he would never see or talk to her again. Lies, lies, lies...that's all it was. It was not the first time, it did happened again, and he did talk to her again. We attempted counceling, but he could never get out of work to go. The military doesn't care if you and your spouse are happy. An old joke says, "If the military wanted you to have a spouse and children, they would have issued them to you." It is a bad joke, mostly because it is mostly true.

I don't want to turn this into just a session of bashing the military and bashing my ex. That isn't what this is about. This is a cautionary tale for anyone contemplating a life as a member of the military or as a military spouse. But, in the course of doing that, I have to be honest.



Revelations: The Second Deployment
Things never really got better. There was never enough time. Between training, his work schedule, my job, our daughter, and just making it through each day, we grew further apart. The damage that was done, was never repaired, and we only ever made it to two counceling sessions. And then, the second deployment came. A seven month stint in Iraq this time. I was terrified. I knew our relationship was rocky, at best, and being separated for such a long time could only make it worse. My friend Kelly and her husband had already gotten divorced the year before, so I knew it could happen.

I had learned a lot by then. I had learned what life as a military spouse was really like. The way you were treated by other military members, by other spouses. My friend Kelly was looked at as a whore. After repeatedly cheating on her, and then a messy divorce, her husband, and other men spread lies about her, and a lot of times, it's a guilt by association thing. My other friend, Rachel and I were seen in much the same way. If only because of who we were friends with, and the lies that were spread. We were seen as easy prey.

Rachel's husband was already overseas. She had a harder time than either Kelly or I dealing with the deployments. She seems to feel things more deeply than Kelly or I do. She is a strong, smart woman, and still she had already succumbed to the advances of a couple of men in the short time her husband was gone. Was I going to fall that easily? Was my marriage even worth saving at that point?

I shared my fears with my husband. He tried to ease my fears, but I saw in his eyes something that scared me. He doubted me, but there was more. Something else hiding behind the concern. The day he left was bright and sunny, but storms were churning deep inside me. I had so many questions, but there was no time to ask them. It was once again, time to say goodbye. My daughter kissed her father, I gave him a hug and a kiss, and off he went. Off to danger and adventure, and more boredom that I could have imagined.

A short time later, I confronted a few friends of mine on something that had happened a year before, shortly before the time he cheated on me, in fact. I had ventured home for the wedding of my sister, and on one night, I could not reach him. I called and called, I even called Kelly and Rachel. No one knew where he was, no one would tell me anything. It seemed odd, and I was really upset. He told me later that he had been babysitting for a friend of Kelly's, and that he had fallen asleep, woke up later, and gone home.

I confronted my friends about this after my husband had left for Iraq. Something about the way he was looking at me in the days before he left was bugging me. They told me what they knew. He had been at this person's house, helping with the kids, and Kelly and Rachel had gone to Kelly's house, right next door. His car never left the parking lot, and my husband and this woman had been acting weird all day that day and the next.

I decided to call this woman's ex-husband,Dustin, who strangly enough, was the man that Rachel was currently dating. Dustin told me what his ex had told him. That she and my husband had done everything except the actual act itself. That she had stopped him at the last minute and told him no. Neither I nor Dustin believed this for a second. I could not call mu husband this time and yell at him. I had to wait for a call from him.

The End
It was a long two days before I heard from him. I told him I wanted a divorce. I had to wait months for him to return from Iraq so we could start the process, but in my mind, our marriage ended that day on the phone. I wanted nothing more to do with him, or his lies. I was a much wiser woman that I had been when I first stepped off that plane, and knew I could get pretty much anything or anyone that I wanted if I really wanted to.

My wedding ring came off, the high heels went on, and I went a little crazy. We spent a lot of nights out, a lot of nights having huge parties, and a lot of nights are still a bit of a blur. I had a great babysitter who lived right next door to Kelly and her boyfriend. It made the life I was leading very easy. I spent most of my time with my daughter, but spent quite a few nights out with my friends. I'm not saying that what I did was a good thing. I was hurting, and in a lot of pain. I was careful and responsible, but he still found out. He had me followed. For all I knew, he had been having me followed from the get go. I have no idea. I don't really care. Fact is, he found out. He threw it in my face. He tried to use it against me, threatened me and threatened to get the person I had been seeing into trouble.

It became very messy. He tried to win me back, tried to bribe me, blackmail me, you name it. I had no one to turn to except my friends. Kelly and Rachel were still there, we had managed to stay together this entire time. Through Kelly's divorce and another bad relationship and Rachel having a baby and an affair, to my own affair, we were still together. It was amazing, and I relied on them to help me through it all. I spent a lot of time with Kelly and her current boyfriend, and even had the help of a couple of the guys that worked with my husband. I of course, had the support of my friends and family back home, but they were so far away.

He returned from Iraq, and we started the divorce process. The whole time, he is trying to win me back, telling me he can change, etc, etc. He also wanted me to change. I could not be friends with Kelly and Rachel anymore, I could not go out. It was as if I was the one who had ruined our marriage and not the other way around. Our divorce was finalized six months after he got back, and I moved back home.





Looking Back
My story is not all that uncommon. Out of everyone I met during my time as a military wife, I can't remember one single married couple who had survived the military without someone cheating at some point. A lot of times, it ended up being someone the other person was close with, a friend, a friend of the spouse, someone they saw at work, but once in a while, it was just a random someone they met at a bar in another city, where they didn't think anyone would ever find out. Everyone is very close-mouthed about it. Kind of like "don't ask, don't tell." If you don't ask for the information, no one is going to tell you. Sometimes, even if you ask, they won't tell you.

Life is better for me and for my two friends. Kelly is still with the guy she was dating during my ex's last deployment. They are engaged and moving away from the area we all lived. Rachel is still married, and is expecting her second child. They are stationed at a training base, and he isn't expected to deploy again anytime soon. I am doing well. I have reconnected with my first love, my high school sweetheart. We are both divorced, both have kids and both are astoundingly happy. I can't remember being this happy. Kelly and I will be living few short hours from each other, and are looking forward to hanging out together, and planning her wedding. Life has moved on.

I doubt things will ever change in the military as long as too many people look the other way. Cheating is commonplace. It seemed to me, that it became an accepted part of the military life. It may be considered a crime in the military, but it is one that is often ignored, or overlooked. I am not saying every married person in the military cheats, or that every spouse cheats. I am only sharing my experience and what I saw and dealt with. I have a great love for the members of the military, and a great respect for what they do. I have made many friends from my time as a military wife, and I love and respect them dearly. I don't wish to talk ill of them in any way. The people that I met, for the most part, were great people. Even good people are flawed.

© 2008 Anna Marie Bowman

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sendingAUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

6 years ago from Florida

Nirmala-- Thank you! It is always hard to walk away, no matter the circumstances. I agree, cheating isn't restricted to the military, but the way it is regarded within the military community, considering the penalties for such behavior, it is a strange thing.


Nirmala Roberts

6 years ago

..Marie, kudos to you for having walked out of a rotting relationship. Cheating will happen wherever there's no true commitment in nurturing a relationship..... be it in military or in civil life. In this man's world, men enjoy the immunity of cheating their women and getting away with it. Hence, women have to be bold enough to face it up and call it quits without any qualms..... instead of hanging on to the broken threads of hope.


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

6 years ago from Florida

marie--Just remember to be open and honest with each other. I heard that living off base does help a little. As long as you are supportive of each other, are open with each other, and trust each other, it does help.


marie

6 years ago

Cheating* sorry for my spelling errors/typos


marie

6 years ago

I am a newly married Air force wife. Been married since octobrr 11th 2013... till fresh of course.. I am sincerely sorry that you had to go through something like that. I am only 19 years old. My husband is deployed overseas... I never really knew the military had a lot of heating or (knowing its very common to happen) it kinda makes me nervous.. I hope that never happens between my husband and I. Ik we are very close and thankfully we have sorta talked about..if something ever happens what actions should we choose. Or how to avoid a problem like this. Im actually not on the same base as he is..(im a civilian) but im still in my hometown finishing up college for my degree before moving and iv been to his base a lot of times...the only thing that concerns me is.. his roommate..hes older then my husband in his late 20s and hes engaged and...getting married this up coming spring but hes cheated on his... girl knowing that (bc my husbands told me and he couldn't believe this guy) and.. it worries me that his bad influence might rub off on him.. but I dont think it will happen because hes moving out soon. One thi g ive learned is that when he comes back 2014 may... we r living off base and I heard it helps alot. Im praying for our young marriage to be successful. Thank you for your story! It makes me be aware of things that.. could possibly happen just like the bar.. my husband refuses to go to bars or out drinking with any of his friends because he knows the b.s that could happen. Hes 21. Ik when im 21 bars wont be happening at all..and iv heard of wives going to barsand getting free drinks bc they lets guys hit on them bc they are married... I wont ever do something like h

that as well.. im focusing on my major and having a degree and also being a supportivre wife.. ik my husband is also very picky with friend's which is kinda good thing because he can't stand friends who cheat n ask him to cover it up if a gf or wife wants to know..and iv also learned his higher ups told him not to (have a child after first deployment) which we aren't anywayz.. waiting till our late 20s early 30s..because its distracting to them I guess but oh well... I hope the best for you and your new man! -


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

8 years ago from Florida

Ela-- At least you are going in with your eyes open, and you are aware of the reality. I feel bad for this girl, as well. I can hardly believe that a higher up would encourage such behavior, but I shouldn't be surprised. A lot of the military members I knew, that I found out had cheated on their wives were higher ups. Thank you for sharing. Best wishes to you and your husband!




Ela

8 years ago

This story is very true. Although my friend and I have yet to experience deployed husbands we stay true as do our husbands. However, this stuff happens even while your not deployed. One of my husbands coworkers was talking to my husband and another higher up about a female who kept coming to his area while on duty and suspected she was interested in fooling around. This guy is recently engaged by the way. While my husband was hearing him out their higher up asked the guy if he wanted to sleep with her. The guy said I'm not sure. And the higher replied by basically telling him to do it since she was offering. It was left at that for that day. Later my husband found out that the guy did end up cheating and the higher up that encouraged it was helping him cover it up from his fianc?. I feel bad for the girl. I wish I could tell her before she marries this guy but even if I really wanted to tell her I couldn't because I've never seen the poor girl. I understand reality and am prepared to handle any situation in my marriage. I live very comfortable with my spouse and I don't live waiting for the ceiling to fall down, but I'm prepared to handle whatever life throws my way.


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

8 years ago from Florida

George-- That is a sad story, but I am glad that you and your wife were able to stay friends. After all these years, my ex-husband and I have managed to become something close to friends. It took a long time, though.


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

8 years ago from Florida

Lindsay-- This is quite common. Don't give up yet. Seek ways to reconnect with your husband. Be patient with him. Remember, that things are very different back home than they were on deployment. It will take some time to adjust. You may want to seek the advice of a councilor. If he will go with you, that would be best, but if not, go by yourself. You may be able to find ways to make the transition easier for him.


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

8 years ago from Florida

All branches of the military have their little differences, and I agree, there is a big difference between the lives of officers, and their families, and those of the enlisted ranks. I kind of tend to agree, that quite often, officers tend to be a little stuck up, but that doesn't go for all of them. I have known many who were wonderful people.


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

8 years ago from Florida

Amanda-- I said several times that not everyone in the military cheats. I just made a point that the environment of the military lifestyle, and the attitude of that lifestyle, makes cheating very common. I do agree that those outside the military do cheat, as well.


george

8 years ago

dont worry be happy i lost my wife to the army. when ihad to go away for months she was horny and couldn't wait for me to get home we are still friends


Lindsay

8 years ago

I am having problems connecting with my husband now that he is home. He has returned to his base and I'm at home with our 5 month old daughter but I think deployment has made us two different people and I'm ready to call is quits...is that bad?


Andrea

8 years ago

I didn't read the whole thing but as a marine wife for 6 years... Marine life is nothing at all like the show army wives. Not even a little bit, but that could be because my husband isn't an officer. Officer life is different. They are kinda suck up from my experience


Amanda

8 years ago

I'm sorry to hear about your horrible sad story. But you shouldn't say 'people in the military cheat... It common..' blah blah. That's horrible!! Just because you and a couple others had issues doesn't mean anything. Cheating is common in the real world too.

My husband and I both have an agreement -- if we cheat we will destroy each other. Lol. I will destroy his career and he will destroy anything for me. Even so I would never cheat on him. I've been there and it hurts.

Him and I have had a rocky passed but we have chosen to forgive each other. It still hurts when we both talk about it.. As it does for him. But I've loved him from the start and wanted to be with him. I knew he loved me because of how he talked to me and only me.

Keep a good open relationship with lots of trust. Talk about everything and try and work it out.




kacy daugherty

8 years ago

Thanks for sending a picture of the spell to me, It looks like it took

forever to do. I really appreciate you doing this for me even though I

could only pay you ----. It was nice because I know you put much

effort into this and you deserve much more than ----- for all the work

and time that was put into it. I don't know what I could ever do to

repay you..this is really important to me because I made a mistake

and it could/should have been avoided and you are helping me get

another chance to make things right. I want to say Thank you Thank

you Thank you but really I know I owe you much more. You are a good

person and all's I can say is that I wish you all the best in everything

that you do. You don't know what you have done for me, not just this

spell-that was a major part, but you also have opened up my eyes to a

lot of things I have been overlooking for pretty much all my life.thank

you (powerfulkumar@yahoo.com) I

Thank you all, Everything you have done is and will always be greatly

appreciated.

Kacy Daugherty


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

8 years ago from Florida

Steph-- That is strange. I never had that problem. Though I did work with kids at the time, and got sick a lot, anyway.


StephB

8 years ago

One thing they don't mention- if you marry a military guy, expect to get sick all the time! My guy gets sick all the time, and I always catch it too. Can't help but be close to him.


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

8 years ago from Florida

Sarah-- I agree with you. I did point out that not all people in the military cheat, but that the military lifestyle makes it much more common, and the climate of the military is one of indifference to it. I applaud you and your husband for withstanding the temptation that is prevalent in the military lifestyle.


Sarah

8 years ago

I would like to say that her story is very sad and I wish the best for her but I would also like to point out that it is the guys fault if they cheat it's not the military. Also it's not always the women cheat too! I am a marine wife and my husband has never cheated on me and I have never cheated on him and never will. We have been through a lot of training together and coming up on the second deployment. I think that if a husband truly loves his wife and vice versa there will be no cheating going on. My husband was deployed to japan where tons of the guys cheated but my husband called me every night and when ever possible. I just don't get why people automatically think that if a man is in the military they will cheat. Some men actually have values and principles. So you shouldn't assume they will all be cheaters


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

8 years ago from Florida

KM-- I understand where your husband is coming from. There is an attitude in the military of "don't make waves, don't question anything, and do as you are told". I hope you and your husband are able to make it through all of the hardships you are having. Sounds like he comes from a difficult family life, which may contribute to his current behavior. Stress can often bring out the worst in people.


KM

8 years ago

A big problem with the way the military is run right now is it perpetuates a culture of cheating. Spouses are separated from each other far too much, for a war that should have been over five years ago, and separated for "training" that could be done on the base itself. Also, some soldiers are treated much better than others, people like my husband get stuck doing everything and getting called in on their days off while everyone else gets to take days off work and training for silly things.

My husband takes his frustration from being so overworked out on me by yelling at me all the time, ignoring my needs, not caring when I'm unhappy, etc. I tell him he needs to stand up for himself, and he gives me this "you can't do that in the army" (yeah, you can. other people in his company get away with murder and have no consequences.) So he makes me the enemy instead of dealing with the problem itself. I've just about had it. Neither of us have cheated, but it's getting to the point where I don't want to be around him anymore.

You're lucky you had friends to help you through this. I have no one here. It would make it so much easier to have friends. As weird as it sounds, having a kid probably would have made it easier too, it would help the loneliness. Though I can't have a child right now- my husband's siblings are total psychopaths who will find any reason to hate everyone they meet (literally. they bully me and everyone else around them.), and I don't want to be held accountable for my child to have to see aunts and uncles who are emotionally unstable.

He's about to have his second deployment next year. I'll be surprised if we last that long, but if we do he'll be out of the military as soon as he gets back and we can try to build a normal life. The military sets marriages up for failure. A family should not be split up for years for a pointless occupation of another country, especially since we don't bother to defend our own borders. I knew what I was getting into when I got married. I thought it would all be worth it to be with my husband, and I've had a big let-down.


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

8 years ago from Florida

jbug-- So many questions...LOL! If you live on base, you do get to see them every day, if they are not deployed, and if they aren't sent away for training. Sometimes military members get sent for training for weeks, even months. If you live off base, there is still a chance you would get to see them every day, depending on the situation. Sometimes, there is limited base housing, and you get an allowance to live off base. Depending on what you do in the health & science field, you may or may not get deployed. If you have medical training, you might get deployed as a medic, or to a base such as the air base in Germany, which has it's own hospital, but that is less of a deployment, and it is a duty station, instead, and you family would be able to come with, depending on the availability of housing, etc. Reservists do have to go to boot camp. They do still get deployed, as well. I am not sure on the pay and benefits, though. You do not have to live on base, but there is still a certain amount of time away from family. I hope this answers your questions. Feel free to stop back if you have any more.


jbug

8 years ago

I was thinking about being in the reserve so how does that work. i know it's part time and you don't have to live on base. but hows the pay and benefits work.i heard you only go in one weekend a month and 2 weeks a year, do i still have to go to boot camp?


Jbug

8 years ago

wow! these stories are crazy and sad. i would never want to go through something like this. But i do have a question. once you live on base with your family. do you get to see them everyday.do they come home everyday?bcuz i know if you don't live on base with them then they live on their own and far from u right. so it's better to live together on base so you see more of each other. I heard ppl get deployed so if they do deploy then that's when your away for a time. My career choice is health and science do they deploy a lot? i am not the military but lately i cant stop thinking about maybe joining. i have children and i don't want them to grow up with me being there. they are my world.


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

8 years ago from Florida

Miranda-- It can be hard to deal with those feelings of 'what if'. I can certainly sympathize. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Thanks for sharing-- I am very sorry to hear that.

Jennilicious-- Thank you for reading.

hopelessly lost-- Thank you for sharing your story. I can imagine how hard this all is for you. I have been there. I wish you the best, and I wish I had more words of advice for you.

joy-- I am not sure why your marriage is ending so soon after it started, but I wish you the best. As far as Afghanistan goes, there are women there, mostly other military women, but no, no strip clubs that I can imagine.

Mary-- I can imagine what she thought going through his phone and discovering that he was married. It must have been a shock to her. I am glad that you have found happiness through that tragedy in your life. All the best.

Brenda-- You have an interesting perspective. Some people can function with an open marriage, but it takes the right type of people. In most cases, people get too jealous.


Brenda

8 years ago

Spending 20 years as an Air Force wife, I can say that few have not cheated in my opinion, including me. It has actually saved our marriage. I am sure he has cheated as well and we never discuss the subject. I can only say that sex is a very powerful thing and is difficult to deal with when the #1 is gone. I turned to others for comfort and found plenty who were willing including many men who were married. If the military kicked out every person who committed adultery, our military would be too small to operate.


Mary

8 years ago

God, an amazing and hellish story that never changes very much every time I hear it. My first marriage, my husband and I were both Specialist's in the Army...Active Duty...and happy...until I got the call from a rather upset girl who had found my name in his cell phone well he was in the bathroom in her barracks room....yeah...So...now I'm married to the man of my dreams, who happens to be the same Chaplin I went to see months after trying to deal with it all on my own. My enlistment time ended, and now we have two beautiful children.Everything happens for a reason.


joy

8 years ago

as far as Afghanistan goes, my husband soon ex said he will have to go there....and we got talking about cheating he said there are no women there and no strip clubs either I kinda just laughed to myself...fill me in girls guys???


joy

8 years ago

wow...thankyou to everyone...I was only married for 45days to military captain new there would be issues about deployment because of being apart and the need for closeness lets say in that time...are marriage is ending already anullmentin the process now....after reading all the comments I'm glad to be getting out before the real hurt.....my heart goes out to all of you......


hopelessly lost

8 years ago

I am in some what of a same situation and your story, I know what you went through I'm in it right now, we have been together for 11 years and have 4 children, I suspected something was going on before she left, but while she was gone our computer started acting wired, then fixed itself literally days after.she was supposed to be home from ait, well I found notes in her bag, which she denied, texting messages to people Nd calls when she told me she had to go or couldn't talk, she was always contacting us just before bed checks and saying she just got in, spending a lot of money on I have no idea, she came home with a lot of sexy lingerie saying it was for me, but she also told me that the sight of me disgusts her, and she can't stand to look at me. I would fall asleep in her arms to wake up to her texting these guys and her saying I was just playing with my phone, the smile she would get when they text , I couldn't even make her smile like that anymore,.and i still feel that there is something going on, cause she always threatens to stay where she is at and not come home for the holidays, saying that its my fault for her not coming home. I found her on some websites that are of not the family orientated ones if you know what I mean. I noticed a lot of military personell on these sites as well. That's my story in a nutshell, and confused on what I should do.


Jennilicious

8 years ago

Thank you for sharing this story.


Thanks for sharing

8 years ago

My daughter just found out that her military husband had been cheating on her while in Afghanistan.


Miranda

8 years ago

I have been a military wife for over 4 1/2 years now. I have remained faithful to my husband during deployments, classes, and whatever else takes him away from me. I would like to think that he has been too. We just got to Korea where he had been by himself for 7 months. Can't get rid of this feeling like he maybe cheated. But I think if I ask him he will probably tell me no even if he had. Separations and babies make it so hard to maintain a happy marriage. We were doing good there for awhile...but I feel like we could split up soon if something doesn't change.


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

8 years ago from Florida

Lainey-- This isn't meant to scare people. I am sorry if I scared you. It's always best to go into a situation knowing all the potential risks, though.

just another...-- I have known several couples where both partners were military. Some did well, and some did not.

smzclark-- I know that the peer pressure puts additional strain on couples. Buddies encourage men to cheat, girlfriends encourage women to cheat, and everyone looks the other way. It is hard to maintain a healthy relationship in an environment like that.


smzclark

8 years ago from cheshire

my husband was in the military (before we were married). he spent months in ireland and iraq and went away training often, but i know he never cheated. i'm not saying that you're not right about all that you wrote...my husband often spoke about how all but one of his friends in the military cheated on their partners and tried encouraging him to cheat on me! military life definitely tests the strength of all relationships. it's sad but true.


just another military ex-wife

8 years ago

Wow, this was nearly my exact same experience except that I was initially also active duty. Such a sad consequence of the military culture...


Lainey

8 years ago

I did not need to read this...my spouse is joining in January and I am so terrified. I can only hope to god that things wont be like that....


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

8 years ago from Florida

2893-- Don't let this story scare you. Every situation is different, and my story may not be the same as yours. Don't end your relationship based on this. Give your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt for now. If he hasn't done anything, you should stick by him. He is going to need you right now, and if he hasn't done anything to deserve you breaking up with him, then give him a chance. If your concern is over being able to handle a military lifestyle, you should talk with him about that.


2893

8 years ago

I had so much faith in my boyfriend & I. . I was doing so well than this ruined everything. . I feel so depressed. . idk if this set me up or its making me leave before it's to late. . He leaves for bootcamp on the 13th


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

8 years ago from Florida

Joe-- Sadly, I have known women just like the one you described. They didn't care what they did. I also knew men like that, as well. I knew a man, who upon learning of my ex's upcoming deployment, called dibs on me and another girl, right in front of him. I was appalled at this, at the time, thinking everything was fine with my marriage. Of course, this wasn't the case.

Airmangirl-- Don't just go not trusting him. Talk to him. It may be more innocent than you think. It may not be, but you won't know until you talk to him. Explain that his change in behavior is bothering you, and you want to make sure that everything is still fine between you. Don't accuse, or get angry. Try to remain calm and talk to him without attacking him. You are more likely to get an honest answer if you approach it in a way that won't make him defensive. Tell him how his behavior makes you feel. He may just be relishing in this freedom, much like college students do once they are free from the constraints of high school and their parents. I hope things work out well for the both of you.


Airmangirl

8 years ago

My boyfriend is currently in the military, before he left to basic training we had plans to get married and he knew what he wanted in life. He's currently in school learning his job and well lets just say ive noticed changes in his attitude. He has days where he's super sweet and says that he cant wait to see me and there are days where he is totally distant.

When he was home he never went out, partied, he just hung out with me and it was always about me. Now since they have weekends off he goes and parties, goes to the club, and drinks which he's never done before. In a way i understand since all that is new to him, he has friends there which he's always around whereas here he never hung out with friends. We've been together for almost four years, he's my high school sweetheart and my first love :( Even though im only 19 i have matured faster than most girls my age and i was ready for marriage. Even though he still talks to me everyday and says he loves me, i feel like when he settles into his base and starts getting deployed things will change drastically. I dont want to loose him, but after reading this im just not sure what's going to happen.


Joe

8 years ago

Sadly, the culture of cheating in the military goes both ways. I've apparently been blessed with better duty stations in the past, but I arrived for the first time at an infantry base a few months ago and was appalled at the city around us.

My first time going out to a local pub, I met a military spouse, her husband of four children deployed. "What I relief" I thought to myself, sitting in a strange bar in a new city, "A fellow military person. Someone safe to talk with and learn about the city." Fast forward about an hour later, and I'm cashing out and thanking her for the nice conversation... and then she suggests I stay. I tell her I'm pretty well set for drinking and shouldn't... and she tells me just what could happen if I -did- stay.

I left, glad in a cowardly fashion that I'd never gotten the name of her husband so I didn't have to think about finding him. Sadly, though, that story wasn't a rare exception... it seems to be par for the course in this town. A lot of soldiers seem perfectly fine with trying to court married women, and just as many spouses seem perfectly fine with being the aggressors as well. I don't even like leaving base here anymore... I usually come back disgusted.


AUTHORAnna Marie Bowman

8 years ago from Florida

Snowbell-- Your story is truly heartwrenching. I am sorry for what has happened to you. I can relate all too well. Thank you for sharing your story.

Samantha-- Your mom is giving you some wise advice. It may not be necessary to wait to get married until he is out of the military, he may decide to re-enlist. It is a wise idea to wait until you are sure you really know each other. Being so young, you do have a lot of time to really get to know each other, and even more importantly, get to know yourselves. A life as a military spouse is not an easy life, even under the best of circumstances.

somemarine-- thank you for all of your wonderful comments. I appreciate you keeping tabs on this humble little story of mine. I just hope I am able to do some good with the experiences I have had.

h.c.xxx-- It can be very scary to be in a strange place all alone. I wish you all the best.

smzclark-- Thank you for your insightful comment. I can understand how difficult being married to an ex-military man could be. I agree with you that the men that cheat are often trying to get away from themselves for a while.

Christina-- My heart goes out to you. I am sorry. Leaving everything you know and love behind for someone else, only to have it end in a nightmare is a terrible thing to deal with. You have no one to turn to, and no help for thousands of miles. I have been there.

Melissa-- Thank you for the link, and for the great response to my story!! I will include a link to your response on this page, aside from the comment you left. It was great to read!!

MarineWife-- That can be especially hard having him cheat on you with someone in his own shop. He still has to see her every day, you have to see her at various military functions, and the fact that his superiors told you flat out that there was nothing you could do...it is terrible, and they were wrong to say that. There was a lot you could have done. I hope things work out well for you.

Danielle-- Thank you for your comment. It is hard on military members and spouses.

anon-- Military bases are like small towns...rumors and even truths travel faster than a high-tech jet. The story you tell is similar to one I knew of when my ex was in the military. Her husband was deployed, she got involved with another military member, claiming she was already divorced. It was a terrible situation.

Army Veteran-- Truthfully, there is very little you can do. You aren't there, and even if her NCO did say something to the men that are hitting on her, that doesn't mean that it would stop them from doing what they are doing. You can't control every situation your wife will be in. If you trust her, that is all you can do. If you don't trust her, well, then you already have problems.

VLO-- Thank you for reading. It is quite common for military members and spouses to be separated, depending on the circumstances. Seems after all that time, you should have little to worry about. If you haven't found proof of cheating by now, either he is really careful, or he just isn't cheating.

Dollpalace-- I agree. Not everyone will cheat. I am glad that you have such a strong and healthy relationship. Keep it up.

mel-- That is terrible!! My heart goes out to you. I wish there were something I could say to ease your pain.

painless-- It seems as if she is regretting what she did and that you are both working on getting back to a healthy place in your relationship. I hope all goes well for both of you.

ginger-- Your story is all to familiar. At least you were able to see the signs before things got too serious, like marriage, children, etc. It is terrible that when someone cheats, they often project their own behavior onto their partner. I hope things are better for you now.

Dusey-- I applaud your decision to stay with your husband. If mine had only cheated once, I could have forgiven it, but it became a pattern of behavior that I could no longer tolerate. Considering your story, I think you made the right decision.

Melissa-- I agree that it is possible to find a faithful partner, even in the military. I have a very good friend who met her husband one day, moved in with him the next, and married him a month later. Strange as that story is, they have been together for 15 years and neither has cheated on the other, so it is possible.


Melissa

8 years ago

I have been with my husband for 9 years, married for 7.5 years. We have been through multiple deployments and other separations, I can say confidently that my husband has never strayed, nor have I. It is not denial. It is who we are.

Infidelity is absolutely a part of the military culture, but it is not impossible to find a faithful partner either. From my perspective, I find that if you let your expectations known from day 1, then it can greatly have an impact on the relationship. From the day of our first meeting, my husband knew if he stepped outside of our relationship that it would be our last day in one. Six months or sixty years. If he cheats on me, we are done. That is not a risk he was willing to take, nor did he want to.

We work to keep our marriage strong. We do not drink, which I believe leads to a lot of inappropriate behaviors. Furthermore, we are open books. He knows all of my passwords, and I know his. A person with something to hide, does.

Bottom-line is that any marriage can be at risk. It is generally more accessible within the military due to the distance often times. However, military marriages can also thrive and flourish, but it takes work and commitment. Nine years and two kids later, my husband and I are still very much in love.


Dusey...

8 years ago

Hi.. I was once a military wife.. He did cheat.. but with someone outside the military with a who cares type of person..He never wanted me to find out..He just wanted to play once like his buddies.. I never cheated back... I guess I decided not to for my own sake not his... We had two too many kids.. I decided to forgive him and we stayed together until his death in 1998.. we had been married 16 years with five kids. all under the age of 14 when he died at age 33... I want to say Oh well and I should have divorced him.. But I am glad we stayed together. I wish I still had him here with me.. I know this goes on in the military.. I guess While in Germany with him I could have gone out with the other wives and put myself in that situation. But chose not to.. Not judging anyone that did go out and party xxx.. just not for me.. Oh and by the way the women over there while their husbands were in Iraq were banned from at least two Bars that I know of. Even though I did not go out. My friend and next door neighbor did and I remember them bashing the other wives that made a bad name for them and got them all banned..I personally thought it a little one sided cause the men cheated too, but I had no control over it..I just stayed away from the Drama. I love your story.. and think it very accurate.. Thank you and take care. Glad you found the right guy and you are happy now


ginger

8 years ago

Really enjoyed reading this story, having been in a crazy place myself. Had a short (6 months) but very serious relationship with a soldier,which I felt I had no choice to end. Both of us are in our late 20s and thought this was the real deal.Unfortunately we met in the 6 month lead up to him being deployed. Have to say I utterly disagree with the woman making comments about maybe the men cheat if wives/girlfriends arent in shape...I have a degree, career and without sounding arrogant, know that I am not short of attention. Everything started out perfect with my guy, we come from the same home town and both of us agreed after a few months that we wanted a house, kids the lot...trouble started when he went back to his base...There would be nights when his phone was permanently off..random (but incredibly attractive) girls would suddenly be added to his facebook from the area the base is in....(there was always an explanation and every girl was a "friend". ) At the same time he would get insanely jealous if I went out with girlfriends to the point that he said I would be "dumped" if I went ahead with a planned night out with the girls for my birthday...anyway, when he came home on summer leave (4 weeks before deployment) everything was wonderful for a week (i arranged a weekend away, went to a real effort)...then the unbearable behaviour began... he would look at me funny and say I was "planning his life for him!!", be critical of me...at the same time he was helping cover up for one of his best friends (also a soldier) who was juggling 3 women. Yes this did make me insecure, but I think understandably so...then he pushed me away further and further, boasted about looking forward to the deployment, was seen in bars with ex girlfriends, mysteriously met other women whilst I was at work...I ended the realtionship at this point, heartbroken and in disbelief at how it had unravelled... of course I was the bad guy for "abandoning a soldier before tour"......since then ive had a lot of emails from him out there begging for another chance....I honestly believe that not knowing how to deal with being deployed and what happened in previous tours led to some of his behaviour...yes I am not perfect but did feel pushed to the limit..I will always love him, but the trust went and dont think I can risk ever being treated like that again.....x


painless

8 years ago

I'm active duty and after two years of being apart, my wife waited until we were together to cheat on me. She couldn't stand the shift-work I was doing now that I wasn't deployed. She went out with friends, and it ended up that some of those nights included some guys around. she didn't intend on cheating on me, but alcohol makes people do bad things. The guy kept pressuring her all night to go back to his place and she kept saying no. She apparently got tired of saying no and late in the night said yes. She felt dirty and lost and crazy the next day and didn't know what she should do, so she started an affair that didn't last more than a couple weeks until I noticed something wrong and confronted her. She still went and did crazy unthinkable things for another week until she came to her senses. Here I am almost two years later and I'm still messed up in the head. I can't get over it. We've four kids and I didn't want to leave them. My wife is also completely remorseful and she is actually a much better person than before all this. She is less selfish and more caring, but it still hurts and I go through depressive episodes everyday. There is no longer any change for me to get promoted and I'm just hanging on, hoping I can make the three more years until retirement, and hoping that I can love my wife like I used to. It feels like its coming back, so there is hope. I know what it's like to be cheated on. I would not wish that on anyone, and as long as I am married, I will uphold my vows.


mel

8 years ago

I have been married 19 years. I just found out that he has a girlfriend who is pregnant. He just left for a tour overseas. He has filed for divorce, but won't be final until 6 months. Since he has been gone, I received bills in the mail showing all of the money he spent on her, including the bill for the ultrasound. He also signed a lease with her for an apartment in another state. He just received top secret security clearance for his job at the embassy overseas. This is very difficult to deal with, but coping. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, but it does help to know that I am not alone.


MarineWIfe

8 years ago

I think its great that you wrote this. A lot of people don't realize when getting into this lifestyle that you are moving into a cheating society. I have been married to my husband for 4 years and thank god we have remained faithful and can still communicate and be happy. There are so many good and normally honest people that cheat. you have to be strong and really honor your vows to make it. When I first moved her I hated women that cheated, then I realized it was a 2-way thing here. I don't agree with cheating but I def. see why a lot of good people end up doing it. For half it is not that they don't love their spouse it is the lonliness. The other half do it for the thrill of getting away with it. Not trying to be mean or offend anyone. That is what I have seen firsthand so far.


Dollpalace

8 years ago

I also have a boyfriend who now is an ex soldier,I never planned to meet a man in the military,he was 21 and I was 18...6 years on we are still together,he has never cheated on me,he stopped drinking when he met me,not that I asked him because I did drink a bit and go out,he just stopped,he got rid of he's army girl mates,even though I never asked lol he just told me they were not happy for him and they didn't like were I was from,anyway he just let them go. I mean my point is he never gave me any signs that he cheated or would do it. He truly loves me and works hard for our future. He said loads of men in the army had to deal with their girlfriends cheating on them while they were away. My boyfriends ex did the same to him when he was in Iraq. These men cry he said and I guess it works both ways. Course I have been paranoid about him cheating on me but I tell him my feelings all the time and same with him,he gets worried I will get bored or not wait around. That was when he was in the Army but now he's in Iraq again only doing another job security,am not worried because I know he wouldn't do anything,and the fact women don't do the job he does anyway lol but even when he was doing another job he tells me a woman wanted him to have her number and he said no thanks. So I have trust for him :-) Not everyone cheats I guess...Just I know even if he did cheat on me then it would be he's loss and I'd move on because I'd like to think am a strong woman. Reading some of these stories is very sad but just know not every military man or woman will cheat. Most important thing is to have your own life,be supportive as much as you can and things will be ok. Men or women want support especially if they are away,I gave my boyfriend support,didn't stress him out and in return he has shown me commitment and has made loads of effort to keep in contact when he was away.


VLO

8 years ago

Thank You, for your dedication to this blog. I have been a military spouse for over 24years and always suspected this, however, my situation never allowed us to travel with him. He always went on PC orders


Army Veteran

9 years ago

I have to say I was married while i was in the Army my 1st wife cheated on me with 7 different men while I was Deployed which 2 of them were NCO on Rear D i have to say they got kicked out of the military under JMCJ action due to the fact that my ex wife had her friend record her having sex with these 2 NCO and her Friend told me she felt guilty for recording my wife and the NCO and felt bad for me and the pain i was going through so she gave me the tape and i watched and was shocked on what i was seeing she was having sex with one of them while she was on the phone with me while i was deployed so i gave the tape to my commander and pressed charges and they got kicked out of the military and while that was happening i got a divorce i found it fun that they escorted her off post in the back of a MP patrol car as the MP took her off post he looked at her and said there the corner maybe some buddy will pick up for a buck the MP was a buddy of mine by the way. But what i have to say now is more for advice now that i am on the other side i am happily remarried and my WIfe joined the Army she has just completed Basic Training and is in AIT doing her in processing she calls me every night and we talk for hours but she tell me all the guys are hitting on her now and she has asked them to stop and she has gone to the NCO there and there not doing anything about it they tell her to deal with it and that boys will be boys and to think nothing of it so the question is there anything i can do about this i have been out of the Army for 5 years now so i know a lot has changed any advice would be great my wife is very loyal she lost 35 lbs in basic training and went from a a size 15 pant to a size 6 pant and she looks really good i have to say but she doesn't like the attention from the other males who are only looking at her for sexual entertainment she stay to her berriks room just so she doesn't have to deal with it and she is on the phone with me every night until she falls asleep and we have web cam also so i know i can trust her so is ther anything i can do to stop these guys


anon

9 years ago

Living on base, you get to know MORE THAN YOU EVER wanted to know about people's lives...to include adultery. I don't know that anyone is immune from it b/c I have seen junior enlisted, senior officers, civilians and spouses. I expected this from people who were there w/o their families, but I see it w/ people there WITH their spouses as well. It's hard to say whether it happens more often or whether we just HEAR about it more often.

I know of an active duty servicemember currently on her 3rd marriage. She and 2nd husband went overseas a few years ago, he to a ship. People going to the ship were warned in advance that the deployment schedule was very hard on marriages. While he is deployed, she has an affair with another servicemember. Neighbors thought that they were divorced already. They were shopping at the store and she was making dates in front of her husband. "I have a problem, but he'll be deployed on Thursday." They have a